I Said I Didn't Care

I said I didn't care
I said it with a smile
I said, "Go, I don't mind"
Then I stayed awake all night

Didn't care
Didn't care
Didn't care—

That's what I said

I watched you walk away
Like I was made of stone
Counted every little step
Until you disappeared from view

Then I went upstairs
And hated every wall
'Cause every quiet second
Started sounding like your voice

I'm fine
I'm fine
I'm fine

What a beautiful lie

I changed your name in my head
To something I could hate
Something cheap and meaningless
Something easy to erase

But my heart's a terrible editor
It keeps your name in bold
Deletes all the reasons
I was supposed to let you go

Don't ask me if I'm hurting
I'll make another joke
Don't ask me if I miss you
I'll tell you that I'm cold

I said I didn't care
I said I didn't care
I said it like I meant it
I said it like a prayer

I said I didn't care
I said I didn't care
Then cried all night
Like you were still there

At 2:13
I almost called
At 2:14
I hated myself

At 2:15
I checked your page
At 2:16
I lost my dignity

Honestly?
Five stars for commitment.
I don't miss you

I miss who I was
Before I knew
How much I could miss you

That's different

Right?
Didn't care
Didn't care
Didn't care—

I said it
I said it
I said it

Didn't care

Then why am I still awake?

Maybe love is just embarrassment
With better lighting
Maybe heartbreak is just pride
Finally admitting

"You mattered."

And God, I hate that word

You mattered

I said I didn't care
I said it with a smile
I said, "Go, I don't mind"
Then cried all night

I said I didn't care
I said it like a lie
You believed me for a second
I believed me for a while

Didn't care

Didn't care

Didn't care—

I cared

I cared

I cared too much